Avatastic New Year!

See the world virtually change before your very eyes with a pair of 3-D glasses and a little alter ego shape shifting. Thrive in 2010. Happy New Year!

“Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder”. Original watercolor/pen and ink.

© Copyright by Artist, KA Collins. For more information concerning the artwork, contact KA directly at http://www.artistkacollins.net/. (Author Links)

Create your own reality or let Bosch do it for you like he did in our ‘Dream Sequence’ November 29, 2009 posting "The Art of Reality”.

www.InTheRearViewMirror.com

Cashing In On COIN

Right about the time Erik Prince of Blackwater-now-Xe was sagaciously graymailing the U.S. government with an exposé in ‘Vanity Fair’, and Osama Bin Laden was shrewdly recruiting a fresh round of terrorists from American soil, we were furiously working at our laptops hunting the internet for some practical financial advice in a feeble attempt at damage control as the economy continues its slippery downward slope.

Following a trail of click-through links, we inadvertently stumbled upon a website that resembled an online scavenger hunt called “Find the COIN”.

They say the best place to hide something is in plain sight, and “Find the COIN” was clearly counting on it. First glance gave the impression of top secret encrypted access only, yet we were able to navigate the user-friendly site with the ease customary of any other public domain. It took only minutes to discover that the two adversaries pitted against each other in this virtual scavenger hunt were none other than Erik Prince and Osama Bin Laden themselves, using the avatars FLY and CHAMELEON, respectively.

The grand prize was a hunting trip with Dick Cheney while camping with al-Qaeda in the heart of the Swat Valley. Given the scavenger map they had to work with (shown below), it was obvious there could never be a winner.

The site permitted us to seamlessly trace their high-tech/low-tech maneuvers across the scavenger hunt’s mapped out terrain where the opponents’ choreographed war dance was being destructively played out on an expansive international stage - all orchestrated to the beat of technology’s rap song.

The CHAMELEON’s right sided domination of the scavenger map looked to be absolute, as did the FLY’s left handed supremacy. It appeared that CHAMELEON’s strategic preference was the aggressive accumulation of powerful modems and the equipment necessary to post YouTube recruiting promos, instruction videos, and the occasional “catch me if you can” taunts to FLY across his Facebook wall.

The FLY, on the other hand, had left a furious trail of ‘snatch and grab’ tweets posting classified coordinates for strategic assassination targets. More interested in acquiring beefier helicopters than potent modems, FLY seemed intent upon fully implementing his 3-F systematic action plan: FIND the target, FIX the target’s routine and FINISH the target off…all directed, of course, at 3-F-ing CHAMELEON.

A glance in the rear view mirror offered us a crystal ball reflection of the land of Oz as the Wicked Witch of the West cast her sleeping spell upon the expansive poppy fields that blanketed the yellow brick road on the way to the Emerald City. Doubtless few would rush to compare the Helmand province of Afghanistan to the land of Oz, yet few will deny that the road leading out of Helmand’s poppy fields is indubitably made of golden bricks. And somewhere over that rainbow is a pot of gold used to fund world chaos and conflict as the masses close their sleepy eyes to the underlying machinations of the true power brokers.

Deep Throat knew what he was talking about when he urged us to follow the money, for the one who controls the money, is believed to control the world because money makes the world go ‘round. A simplified version of doing the math might look something like this: Money = Power = More Money.

Yes, there will always be plenty of money to be made by the robber barons hard at work sparking civil dissention and provisioning war zones by supplying both sides with what they need to keep the sparks flying. Another thing’s for certain too, there’ll always be a need for an evil Boogey Man antagonist to pit the good against.

World domination through cash control is an ageless game. Wouldn’t then a declaration of war against evil be an illusion that simply makes the rich richer and allows us to feel good about it?

Going stealth can be as easy as changing your name. Guidelines for how to go unnoticed can be found in our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ February 15, 2009 posting "Catching a Few Xe’s".

http://www.intherearviewmirror.com/

Wedded Biz (VVV)

WEDDED BIZ
©2009 by DK King

Once upon a time
There was the perfect mate.
Society counsels marry,
That means incorporate.
Articles and by-laws
Once duly created,
Form a household compliant,
And lawfully regulated.
Board meets for nuptials recited
As both in agreement converge.
Separate assets become united
In a co-mingled blend ‘n merge.

So before you speak the words “I do”,
You might want to negotiate
The best deal for you.

Commitment phobes,
More risk adverse,
Commit to share space
Without sharing their purse.
Companionship is rendered
By indie entrepreneurs.
No autonomy’s surrendered,
Shared bennies both procures.
Secerning self preservement
Proves a win-win strategy,
For freelancing contractors
Circumventing legality.

So before you speak the words “I do”,
You might want to explore
The options available to you.

Partners opt in one hundred percent,
Position their investments to grow.
C.F.O. recommendation is buy vs. rent
Before delivering an I.P.O.
Celebration returns every fiscal year end
While hopes and dreams are propagated.
Black bottom line with plenty to spend,
Empty bedrooms soon are populated.
Team players busy multitasking,
Fully booked from morning to night,
Fosters synergistic fast tracking
For unions working the system right.

So before you speak the words “I do”,
You might want to hold in reserve
Something solely for you.

Corporations plan for perpetuity,
Redefining “til death do us part”.
Strategic goal is long term security,
As shown on the pension plan pie chart.
Life cycles forth with its ebb and flow,
Branches form a brand name niche.
Years to lay all those ducks in a row,
Not discounting that seven year itch.
Dissolution optional if shareholders split,
“Happily ever after” seems a fairy tale.
The end of the day finds it difficult to quit
When your business is just too big to fail.

So before you speak the words “I do”,
You might want to ask
Is marriage the right business for you?

Alley Cats traditionally have a little business on the side. Perhaps you'll hear one purring a sales pitch in our ‘Vice Versa Verses’ November 4, 2009 posting "Alley Cats".

http://www.intherearviewmirror.com/

The Art of Reality (DS)

We had a dream......and in that dream we found ourselves strolling through the surreal terrain of Dutch renaissance painter H. Bosch in “The Garden of Earthly Delights”, and felt as though we were immersed in a modern reality feature film that only Tim Burton could direct.

Our voyage through this intoxicating dreamscape plunged us without thought of consequence deep into a world of art imitating life imitating art. To a place where we were incapable of separating fact from fantasy, for the reality is that there was no difference.

And like every true pageant of the masters where a two dimensional painting is brought to real life, we watched like voyeurs as the indulgent derangement of earthly pleasures before us morphed into a third panel reality war zone.

The reality wars being waged within our dream were inescapably dominated by the Balloon Boy posse and the D.C. No R.S.V.P. party crashers. We were rendered speechless as both competitors deliberately left in their wake a smoldering third scene battlefield fully decimated by outrageous exploits – all dramatically delivered with the flamboyance required of a successful reality show audition. A couple sets of felonious fingerprints were left behind in the scorched earth as well, with perhaps a couple more to follow.

Apparently in the real world, the end is meant to justify the means. This ostensibly translates for many to mean no rules, no boundaries, no limitations, no dignity and usually no talent. So when we see that big reality bull burst into a stampede through the china closet of innocent bystanders and carelessly shatter lives and livelihoods while screaming “me, me, me!”, we’ve bizarrely come to accept that even bad publicity is still publicity.

Well, psychology 101 has long asserted that negative attention is better than no attention at all. Yet to repetitively reward the bad behavior of attention grabbers with the media attention they're aggressively hungering for has not only helped create a ravenous monster always starving for attention, but has unquestionably sustained it.

As narcissism continues its incessant me-parade across our high definition screens, and Pavlovian conditioning reinforces the belief that anything and everything goes in the insatiable quest for notoriety, we can only wonder when going too far will just be going too far.

And then we woke up and realized that Bosch’s vivid, yet surprisingly realistic, illustration of life’s temptations and the human condition has lost no relevance with the passing of time and civilizations. Can we reasonably expect the master’s real life garden of earthly delights to remain as relevant in the coming centuries as it is today?

15 minutes: too long for reality show media mongers, too short for the truly talented. Spend 15 more minutes reading all about it in our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ May 12, 2009 posting "The Boyling Point".

http://www.intherearviewmirror.com/

Apple Pie Goes Rogue

Facebook was the tactical wall from which the contagious propaganda was hawked and sneezed into the atmosphere, and Twitter kept the infectious buzz spreading like the H1N1 virus in real time. It only took four months of gimmicky posts and tweets to prime every true American for the debut of a new grassroots animated reality show aptly named “Back Asswards”.

“Back Asswards” - featuring former Alaska governor and 2008 GOP Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, in the 15 minute role of a lifetime – finally premiered this week with award winning drama and the usual dysfunctional media frenzy.

The leading “Voice of No” who chimes with the times with one finger on the pulse of ordinary American folks everywhere has made us believe she’s found her calling. And in her role as the new flag waving “Fresh Breeze of Toon Town”, there’s little doubt the year 2012 will yield much more than merely the climactic end of the Mayan calendar.

Speculation has predictably swirled around whether or not her future will include a run for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination, especially after Mrs. Quit dubiously resigned her Alaskan governorship in July. Considering what the GOP has to pick from these days; however, it looks as if the answer to the speculations would be a resounding, “You betcha!”

Nothing screams “I can lead America” louder than a tell-all, fact flawed autobiography without an index.

When right went wrong was when we realized that this all knowing hockey mom was in desperate need of some common sense solutions if she really wants to win the next big race, and her campaign handlers must be fully capable of finishing up all that she starts but only gets half way through.

Fellow conservative, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, would undoubtedly be an excellent choice for the role of campaign press secretary. Not only would it be refreshing for her to work with another beautiful woman whose views are just as black and white with no shades of gray, but here was a seasoned media personality who could offer some common sense solutions for reconnecting with the liberal media outlets that were unfriended by the “Rogue Gone Social Networker”.

Another common sense solution to her challenges with the press might include recruiting Tina Fey to act as a stand-in for all press conferences and interviews. That way she could personally bypass all of those perky news anchors asking all of those annoying questions. Of course, in order to keep it real, she’d need to continue writing and delivering her own entertaining off message, wandering, around the bend speeches going nowhere, chock full of clichés, one-liner sound bites, new Hillbilly vocabulary words, and folks appeal.

Then there’s Levi Johnston (aka Ricky Hollywood and Bristol’s baby daddy). We don't expect he'll be going away any time soon, especially since he's considered part of the family. Just because he’s a high school drop out, doesn’t mean he’s stupid, for he apparently proved himself to be a quick study in American capitalism during his time behind the scenes on the last campaign trail. One conservative common sense solution to reigning in this morally lost young man would be to bring on board another former beauty queen, Carrie Prejean, to act as Levi’s moral compass. And if we’re lucky, maybe Prejean’s own drama will overshadow Levi’s limelight.

We found our eyes glazing over as we glanced in the rear view mirror while listening to “Mother Maverick” on the radio during her interview with Rush Limbaugh. When the right-right twins finished discussing her new substantive book on policy, we were left scratching our heads yet hungering for more.

While fact checking doesn’t seem to be at the top of the list for either Palin or Limbaugh, deep dark secrets are. So when the GOP GILF starts down the 2012 campaign trail where every skeleton hiding in the closet will become a headline, we’ll be standing by, waiting for something truly sensational, like Sarah Palin is really the illegitimate sister of Rush Limbaugh.

As for the lazy media, the beauty queen “Bering to set the record Strait” is as irresistible as fast food. She serves it up fast and easy like a drive thru window, and few are the professionals who take the time to research what they're eating before regurgitating it out for worldly consumption. And not unlike a fast food meal which deceives us into believing our bellies are full, we’re essentially left starving for true nourishment and bloated with gas barely an hour later.

Love it or hate it, no presidential campaign has ever been won without support from the media, and no exceptions for going rogue or being mavericky either. Perhaps inviting Hillary over for a cup of coffee will help to clean up her relationship with the press in time for season two of “Back Asswards - Kissing Babies”. Even pit bulls wearing lipstick still have to twist and contort in order to lick themselves clean.

But what we really want to know is do we all have to watch?

Alaska’s queen crab has plenty of company. Check out the corporate roster in our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ September 4, 2009 posting "Mediocre Minds Think Alike".

www.InTheRearViewMirror.com

Alley Cats (VVV)

ALLEY CATS
©2009 by DK King

Amorous moonlight arouses
The old symphony of catcalls,
And summons the faithless,
Aligned along furtive back walls.
Without allegiance,
Instinctively spraying charmed house.
Marking vain territory
In a stale game of cat and mouse.
Fence sitting wanderers
Performing their slinky sashay,
Yowling to stray,
Forever cheap,
And woefully cliché.

Hungry anticipation,
Rough tongue on lips smack,
Never, ever expecting
To give anything back.
Self centered and serving,
Entitled to a fault,
Forget about foreplay,
The senses assault.
Emotionally lazy,
E’er beguiling tender prey,
Purring “It’s all about me”,
“Get your needs out of my way”.

Leonine traveler
Dreams to be king,
Regally demands
In one pompous ring,
"Hurry, stop dawdling,
Aye, drop everything".
Sheared mane uncovers
Patent patch and sugar drug,
Lays bare the bald wolf crowned
In a crooked sheep’s rug.
Always spying on time,
Busy scurrying like a rat,
Papa is a rolling stone,
And a LAB Rat Alley Cat.

Not a priority,
But convenient after thought.
Beckons at midnight
For an honored one sided talk.
Privileged and blessed,
Nay, holier than thou,
“MAU Me Me MAU”,
Drawls the elitist meow.
Inhaling obsidian air
As cigar fumes float on the waft,
Far too important
To call a common cat back.
Ambiguous, yet
So biased bent,
Overflowing with bitterness,

Even divine discontent.
No one dares ask

Zeitgeist Alley Cat,

Wherever on earth

Might it be at.

Free ranging crude conduct,
Lacking genuine pedigree.
No rewards for bad behavior,
Considering nothing good is free.
Careless roamers still preen on,
Playing every side of the fence.
Duplicitous feline, Mysterious con,
Assuming no consequence.
Gavel drops with heart’s decree,
Suspicious egos birl and balk.
Alley Cats judged clearly unworthy,
Now it’s time to take a walk.

What's the difference between Casanova and an Alley Cat? Open book answers to this test question can be found in our ‘Dream Sequence’ October 17, 2009 posting "Casanova Works The Strip".

http://www.intherearviewmirror.com/

Casanova Works The Strip (DS)

We had a dream……and in that dream we found ourselves observing the high stakes action at a back room baccarat table in The Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas. The croupier was plumed to perfection as an 18th century Italian dandy - replete with the requisite powdered pony periwig - and the plastic name tag pinned to his left lapel was engraved with the name: CASANOVA - VENICE, ITALY.

A fresh deck of cards had been shuffled and cut, and the distinguished high rollers partaking in this very exclusive game of tomcat baccarat deliberately placed their ample bets on the table. Without delay, Casanova smoothly put the game in to play as he pitched the cards with precision to the roundtable of punting philanderers sitting before him.

Money was clearly no object to the big spending playboys who’d paid dearly for the privilege of being in the presence of the master of amore in the fleeting hopes that the master might throw a few lessons in the art of seduction their way, mano a mano. They gazed upon Casanova with veneration, and like puppies in love, waited with bated breath for him to bestow his tutelage upon them.

Our dream had cleverly dealt us an unexpected fusion of old world sagacity with new world emulation.

Being an observant man, Casanova felt it prudent to properly assess the skill level of the libertines seeking his instruction before doling out any sort of enlightenment. The swingers that were now gaping at him admiringly were overall a lamentable and disappointing array of wannabes, and he felt almost as if he’d be offering the precious gift of manhood to amateurs.

While Casanova knew nothing about men being from Mars or women coming from Venus, he did know that if any of these lotharios had bothered to read his memoirs, they would’ve saved themselves, not only a lot of money given the high price of his game, but loads of humiliation as well.

Casanova decided to begin their initiation with the basics, namely, his ‘ImaRAKE’ technique because the condensed wisdom he’d managed to distill from his life’s work would provide a succinct summarization of what was required to perpetuate the art of managing a successful seduction.

'ImaRAKE' in four easy steps:
Step 1. RESCUE said damsel in distress from her current oppressive lover or unpleasant situation.

Step 2. ALLEVIATE said damsel’s distress, console, comfort, and champion her.

Step 3. KISS her seductively, and move on to passionate consummation.

Step 4. EXIT STRATEGY, which should always include the popular “I’m not worthy" and "You deserve better” for a friendly, yet conclusive parting of the ways.

Of course, had they all practiced his tried and true ‘ImaRAKE’ in four easy steps, they’d still be shamelessly cavorting with an inspirational Muse with Benefits (MWB-see definition below) today.

Upon stressing to his ardent pupils that no man is the exception to the rule, no matter how confident the man, Casanova then proceeded to offer personally tailored insights to each of the cads seated at his table:

David Letterman, Late Night Talk Show Host
Pappagallo! Casanova could only say, “Mai merda dove si mangia”, which means in Americano, “Never sh*t where you eat”.

Eliot Spitzer, Former New York Governor
Ipocrita! The love gov thought he'd been a big winner all night with his lucky number 9, but Casanova dismissed it as dumb luck inasmuch as the love gov should never have paid for something he could’ve gotten for free if he’d only played his cards right. The master admonished him to be more cautious the next time he decided to point his finger at others because there would always be three more fingers pointing right back at him. Casanova also suggested he consider leaving the country for a while. Maybe he could lay low in France because they understand about these things in France. Just ask Roman Polanski.

Bill Clinton, Former U.S. President
Don Giovanni! The world’s greatest lover felt like he was looking in the mirror when his eyes came to rest upon Bill Clinton. He could've chided Bill a little about that blue dress fiasco, but frankly, he just didn’t think he could teach Bill anything Bill didn’t already know. In fact, Bill could probably teach him a thing or two. He suggested they have a private tête-à-tête when his shift was over to compare memoirs.

Mark Sanford, South Carolina Governor
Imbecille! Don’t cry for me Argentina. And soul mate? Casanova was confused. What’s love got to do with it? Then referred him to ‘ImaRAKE’ Step 4.

John Edwards, Former North Carolina Governor
Stupido! Never get caught with the evidence, and that especially includes leaving your DNA behind. Then referred him to ‘ImaRAKE’ Step 4.

Newt Gingrich, Former Speaker of the House
Stronzo! Stronzo! Stronzo! Casanova logically understood the marital strategies of a power hungry social climber, yet he warned the man with the reptilian eyes of a water lizard against letting that power go straight to his engorged head. Not one to judge his fellow rakes too overtly, Casanova couldn’t help but silently wonder if the stepping stone wives really believed that kissing the toad would turn it into a prince.

Larry Craig, Former Idaho Senator.
Signore Craig didn’t stick around long enough for Casanova to speak insightful words to him like the others. When Casanova directed his attention toward him, he simply stood up from the table, took a wide stance, and slipped Casanova a note wrapped within several large bills as a generous gratuity for the master before walking away. The note read “Meet me in the men’s room at midnight”.

On that note, Casanova looked up as Signore Craig moved to leave the room, and it was then he noticed the throng of starving seekers who were gathered by the thousands – the Moby Dicks, the LAB-Rats, the Trolls (see definitions below), the greedy, and more - all lined up along the corridor waiting for their chance to play tomcat baccarat.

And then we woke up and realized that despite modern man’s pretense of civilized evolvement, the primitive instincts are still running the show, and the show apparently must go on … even if the ending is always the same. Perhaps it’s time we finally change the channel. Who’s got the universal remote?

There’s no rest for the wicked. Bernie’s next assignment can be found in our ‘Dream Sequence’ March 16, 2009 posting "The Devil’s In The Details".

www.InTheRearViewMirror.com

Faux Food

Another summer has ended, and our nation’s school children have returned to their classrooms thanks to the old agrarian calendar. While the school year may continue its primitive revolution around the seasonal till and harvest, few are the children who have personally beheld the phenomenon of fertile farmland, let alone worked in the fields at harvest time.

Although many of our children will probably never participate directly in the hands-on science of crop cultivation, most are taught in science class about a very fundamental part of the earth's ecosystem called the food chain. A grade school science lesson on the food chain teaches us how energy flows from one level of existence to another upon consumption; and since food is energy, every living creature in the food chain gets its energy from the food it eats.

Naturally combining food chain principles with proverbial wisdom never fails to yield the ever popular: “You are what you eat”. Nutritionists have been preaching these timeless words of warning for centuries (and so has the Catholic Church with its Eucharist for that matter; but contrary to parishioner belief, the church isn’t part of the earth’s ecosystem).

The irrefutable science supporting the importance of a balanced ecosystem prompts us to question the motives of Big Food (and the reason behind government farm subsidies) when we consider the methodical alterations being perpetrated upon the natural flow of our food chain.

Foods today are described as processed, fabricated, artificial, and synthetic; and are full of chemical flavorings, artificial color, preservatives, fillers and binders as if this is normal. Even our basic staples like sugar and flour are known to be bleached, processed and refined. And let’s not overlook the customary corn syrup and casein infusions found in most things prepared and pre-packaged for human consumption.

Perhaps the reason we eat three times more than we should is because we’re unable to get the nutrients our bodies need from the foods we're eating and consequently, we never truly feel full or satisfied. Grade school science reminds us that it’s impossible to get life sustaining nutrients from something that is not alive and a natural part of the food chain.

We had a flashback in the rear view mirror that made us gasp in horror right alongside Charleton Heston as we watched a long line of waste disposal trucks pull up behind the Soylent processing plant, and proceed to dump one cargo of corpses after another. After the dead meat was delivered and then cleverly reconstituted into soylent green wafers, we could only gag when the recycle of life was fed to an unsuspecting and hungry population of 2022.

To dismiss “Soylent Green” as just some old 1973 dystopian sci-fi flick that couldn’t possibly have any relevance to our 2009 reality seems logical. Surely everyone knows that only in the movies would people be dumb enough to fall for a corporate gorilla marketing campaign designed to convince them that soylent green was a nutritious processed food made from high-energy plankton, and something they couldn’t live without.

Well, no one ever said that truth in advertising standards actually require anyone to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Far from it, for standard marketing practices make it a point to routinely stretch and manipulate the illusion of truth for maximum profitability. Any detrimental consumer side effects are usually considered negligible when measured against bottom line profit margins.

Case in point offers us a side mirror view at the marketing strategy for a popular brand of sucralose, and how its no calorie sweetener is a better alternative to real sugar. The product slogan rationally asserts “it starts with sugar, it tastes like sugar, but it’s not sugar”. What is never disclosed in plain speak, however, is that this artificial sweetener is basically chlorinated table sugar, and after intensive chemical processing, took what began as natural and made it unnatural.

An appeal to our collective need for sweetness without caloric consequences or accountability makes it a profitable marketing triumph, and the masses have been properly convinced that real sugar is bad and artificial sweeteners are good.

Corporate capitalism shamelessly intent upon increasing profits without a conscience has worked hard behind the scenes to remote control every facet of contemporary life. This clearly includes what we’re being fed, on every level.

Our supermarket shelves and delicatessen counters are being stocked daily with tasty mystery foods - foods consisting of unknowable and unnatural ingredients that are incongruent with the very food chain ecosystem we are an integral part of. We suspect changes in the lucrative business of reconstituting food will not be forthcoming from Big Food any time soon … not until of course it gets outed like Big Tobacco did. Until then, caveat emptor – let the buyer beware.

So will the cumulative effects of consuming nothing but faux food eventually turn us all into mannequins?

What’s the rush? Take some time to weigh in on our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ September 18, 2009 posting "Wait Weight".

www.InTheRearViewMirror.com