What Comes In 3's?

We’ve plunged head first into a new year, and along with its fresh beginning, comes the need for a new car. The damage our jalopy sustained in the crash of 2008 was beyond repair, and we’re forced to leave the junk yard masterpiece behind the bush as we seek out a suitable replacement.

They say things always come in threes. Big 3 Automakers, Big 3 Banks, Big 3 Credit Bureaus. One could even argue “3” to be the anti-trust magic number. And now we find ourselves having to deal with all three of the Big 3s in our hot pursuit of new wheels.

As any typical car shopping American consumer knows, obtaining bank financing at preferred interest rates would be an essential first step; and being typical American consumers, we followed the necessary protocol and applied for our big purchase financing with a Big 3 Bank. What we weren’t prepared for was the rejection that promptly followed.

It didn’t take long to discover our credit denial was based upon an unpaid collection account erroneously listed on our Big 3 credit report. Further research indicated the collection account allegedly belonged to car fanatic Jay Leno and even he swore it wasn’t his.

We knew writing letters to the Big 3 Credit Bureaus wouldn't resolve our dilemma of becoming mobile any time soon, urgency aside. Before we could even consider our next step, the phone began to ring incessantly with calls from high risk finance companies eager to provide us the loan we needed at usurious interest rates. If being debilitated with an unjust credit denial wasn’t enough, the Big 3 Credit Bureaus didn’t hesitate to add insult to our injury by selling our personal and confidential information to the highest bidders in the form of trigger leads.

Most of the world understands that businesses are in business to make money and the Big 3 Credit Bureaus never pretended to be non-profits; however, they are the nation’s repositories of private, personal and highly confidential information and with this comes an assumed moral and fiduciary obligation to the vulnerable public whose information they routinely collect and maintain on file like the CIA. Yet their regulated governance is dubious at best, and like the deregulated and now collapsed financial systems that chose greed over self-regulation or even (>gasp<) the greater good, they appear to have no intention of reigning themselves in.

They’ve caught the virus that hospitalized Wall Street.

It’s easy to win the game when you make all the rules, and to hold undisputed power over the general public’s financial future one person at a time can be extremely intoxicating. When the rules conveniently change like shifting sand, the public is deliberately kept intimidated by the system’s illusionary complexities. Just as health insurance companies notoriously and oftentimes determine whether an individual lives or dies, the Big 3 Credit Bureaus hold the power to determine whether one financially thrives or financially dies in our credit-based economy.

A look in the rear view mirror swept us back to when the philosophy "Cash is King” was the rule of thumb embraced throughout nearly three-quarters of the 20th century. Three decades of Big 3 social reconditioning has made this old world practice of little benefit in today’s credit driven world and basically a foreign language to Gens Y and Z.

The Madams of the Big 3 Credit Brothels appear to have amazingly formed a red-light Credit Cartel, and like all good bordellos, top priority is naturally given to the biggest paying regular customers. We’re certain that isn’t us and can only surmise who’s paying the most for the biggest tricks. As bottom line proliferation continues to supersede fiduciary accountability, how concerned should we be over the dissemination of our confidential information for a fee?

For more ways to follow the money, see our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ December 28, 2008 posting "Why Bernie Made Off With 2008".

What Happened To My Other Half? (DS)

We had a dream……and in that dream we encountered quantum physics at its purest when the hidden veil separating our dimension from all others dropped and granted us entry in to some parallel universe where anything can happen.

It wasn’t initially clear why our trans-dimensional journey began at the George Town Hospital on Grand Cayman Island until we came to the maternity ward and beheld Barbara Bush breathing like a metronome in true Lamaze fashion as she suffered through heavy contractions. In the bed next to her was an Iranian woman named Sayeed laboring toward a similar delivery of her own.

Under the night’s luminous full moon, both women were wheeled side-by-side into the delivery room where they concurrently gave birth to sons. Barbara had twin boys of the fraternal variety and Sayeed delivered a son who sadly didn’t survive beyond his third tiny gasp. The overall chaotic frenzy of the maternity ward that night, combined with the fact that both women had lost consciousness during childbirth due to gas mask sedation, paved the way for a baby mix-up having unforeseen consequences.

Barbara was disoriented upon waking and kept insisting she was in Georgetown, Massachusetts. She had absolutely no memory of giving birth to very dissimilar looking twins – one light skinned of average size and one dark skinned imp. And when Sayeed awoke in a comparable mind fog, the nurse quickly pushed Barbara’s dark skinned twin into her arms. Sayeed left the hospital for return to Iran with her new baby Mahmoud at the same time Barbara departed for the States with her fair baby George.

As our dream continued its weave through the growth and developmental dynamics of these twins separated at birth, it was obvious that the scientific limits of nature vs. nurture would be fully tested. Observations noted were:

NURTURE:
Both boys encountered a lifetime of maternal negligent. Barbara never fully bonded with George because she always felt something was missing, and Sayeed never bonded with Mahmoud because he just didn’t look right.

George was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth. He was insulated, sheltered and rarely had to work hard for anything. He attended all of the right schools yet had a proclivity for partying and schmoozing, nor did he care if his performance was marginal as long as everyone was happy.

Mahmoud, on the other hand, was raised as a poor peasant and was lucky to have a spoon at all. He was focused, driven and intelligent; an engineer and self-made man who worked hard to achieve greatness.

Revolution catapulted Mahmoud into power, while power for George was purchased.

NATURE:
Recessive genes and junk DNA sequences played themselves out all over this passion play. When the fertilized egg split, it was unquestionable that Mahmoud got the bigger brain genes and George got the leftovers. Conversely it was George who got the bigger physique genes and Mahmoud got the leftovers.

Physical discrepancies aside, the twins were remarkably similar and they reflected mirror images in behavior, perceptions, limitations, and charisma.

George and Mahmoud both possessed bi-polar personalities - an inferiority complex one day and “it’s my way or the highway” the next. Driven by a need to rule, both identically demonstrated their power with bull-headed stubbornness and a refusal to see any unacceptable reality because everything was going to be fine.

Religious piety was a mutual priority as well. They each believed their chosen theological road to salvation was the only road resulting in a divisive intolerance for the differing belief systems of others. These personal theological preferences typically took precedence over logic or the collective greater good.

The ultimate irony though was their shared and acute loathing for each other. It was as if they unconsciously recognized the common DNA strands that bound them together, and resented the fact that while apart, they were individually only one half of the whole.

And then we woke up with an overwelming sense of déjà vu’ and wondered if the outcome might’ve been significantly altered had those twin boys been switched in the reverse at birth. Is it possible the state of the world would look different today had Mahmoud Ahmadinejad been President of the United States and George W. Bush the President of Iran?

For more “W” Dimensions, see our ‘Dream Sequence’ December 21, 2008 posting "Was That Wingtip a Size 10?"

Wiping the Slate Clean

Happy International BK Day!
We wish you a prosperous and debt free 2009.

For more on BK8, see our ‘Dream Sequence’ November 30, 2008 posting "World Forwards Final Bill to 'W' in Crawford, TX".

Why Bernie Made Off With 2008

There are few words to accurately describe the vibrant hum of Manhattan during the holiday season and this year was no exception, global economic collapse and all.

Standing on the corner of 53rd at 3rd in front of the Lipstick Building in Midtown, we caught sight of an announcement posted on the large lobby doors that read “Bernie Made Off like a Pirate. Premium Office Space For Plunder“. As the 17th floor sadly sat in darkness, we realized that there wasn’t enough in Bernie’s bank account to even pay the electric bill.

We stood there as it snowed and pondered the riches to rags story Bernie (see definition) had been weaving over the last several decades. Known as a man of international distinction with direct access to the highest of affluent societies, Bernie managed to build a no-questions-asked house of cards out of the world’s Kings and Queens of Diamonds.

The crème de la crème must find it incomprehensible that this old man of solid reputation – and one of their own - could simultaneously outwit all regulating authorities for more years than anyone can count, and single-handedly shatter their illusion of being insulated and protected from society’s fiscal underbelly with the prospect of imminent financial collapse and having to do without.

It’s hard not to admire how Bernie cleverly cultivated an illusion of elitism by straining any prospective investor through a narrow and somewhat arbitrary snob filter. Naturally he made it a point to reject a few every now and then. Aristocracy, nobility, gentry, bourgeoisie, nouveau riche – it really didn’t matter. They all wanted in, and big bucks from a cherry-picked elite was just as good as big bucks from his own family. In spite of the occasional investor rejects, however, he was pretty much an equal opportunity shyster.

A glance in the rear view mirror gave us a panoramic view of the Berlin Wall as it was being dismantled in 1989; when what had once been divided and segregated, subsequently became transparent and integrated. Bernie comparably dissembled the Madoff Wall upon making confession, and the Madoff Wall had long served to separate the money secrets of the upper class from everyone else. The irony in forbidding ordinary folk membership in his private investment club was that he'd inadvertently done them a favor.

While Bernie may claim to never have heard the idiom “Robbing Peter to pay Paul”, we’re certain he knows what it feels like to be caught with his hand in Peter’s now empty piggy bank. Suffice it to say, he robbed some of the old Robber Barons as well.

Now that the house of cards has been blown away in a Category 5 hurricane named Bernie, no one can be sure if any grand plan or exit strategy ever truly existed. Self preservation might’ve been a marginably understandable motivation for his actions, a personal quest to save face (his own of course), until the worldwide financial realm imploded that is. Ultimately though what Bernie did was simply travel down Bill Clinton’s highway – he did it because he could.

The rich trails of Bernie’s purloined funds go far and run deep. He’s unquestionably left a smoldering trail of scorched earth across the world’s affluent upper crust. As the charred remains of the 17th floor are sifted through, will we ever really know who Bernie burned?

For more on Buccaneer Capitalism, see our ‘Dream Sequence’ December 7, 2008 posting "Who’s Talking Like a Pirate Now?"

Was That Wingtip a Size 10? (DS)

We had a dream……and in that dream we saw a pensive George W. Bush receiving his final invite from French Prezy Nicolas Sarkozy for an Adieu Party at the exquisite Chateau de Versailles on January 21, 2009 - the anniversary of French King Louis XVI’s beheading.

Our dream made it obvious that “W’s” guest list just wasn’t as world-class as it used to be which seemed to take the pressure off. There were few to impress at this party so he could comfortably let it all hang out and be detente-free. Opened Budweiser can in hand, he took leave of the merrymakers in favor of a solitary stroll through the Chateau.

It wasn’t long before X-P “W” (see definition) found himself standing smack dab in the middle of Versailles’ Hall of Mirrors. The last 8 years had been somewhat stressful, and while he stared upon his full reflection in one of the 17 large mirrors lining the Hall, he couldn’t help but admire how well he’d aged like a fine wine through it all.

Before he could even stumble on to his next thought, George’s eyes glazed over like he’d been hypnotized and what came next can only be likened to an Alice-in-the-looking-glass adventure, except that he’d been sucked into a time warp that plopped him down into the sunset of the French Revolution 216 years earlier, on January 21, 1793. Inconceivably, George recognized himself in a previous reincarnation as King Louis XVI of France at the time of his execution.

George watched himself in the body of Louis resolutely mount the guillotine scaffold with as much dignity as he could muster and attempt to make a small speech reasserting his innocence. His speech was rudely interrupted by a shout exploding from deep within the witnessing crowd of the revolutionary cry “Liberte’, egalite’, fraternite’!!”. And then a large shoe came flying through the air toward his head. George as Louis was agile enough even then to dodge that first fast moving trajectory, but not agile enough to parry the countless other shoes and boots that quickly followed.

Those speedy projectiles almost saved the executioner from doing his job, but not really. George subsequently saw his Louis-head roll into the dirt after the guillotine’s blade swiftly fell, and watched as the mob dipped their stockings in his blood as it dripped to the ground.

Snapping out of it, George suddenly had a headache and wanted to leave his own party. As he approached the waiting stretch limo, the Adieu Party guests rallied around the courtyard to see him off. No sooner had his limo begun its forward roll, when the shoes of every guest present went flying high into the air, followed by raucous whoops and cheers in celebration. C’est la vie!

And then we woke up and could see why Louis XVI’s miserable failure as Monarch of France ultimately resulted in his assignation with the guillotine on the heels of the French Revolution. Yet somehow King Louis had managed to inadvertently make a profound contribution to the victory of America’s War of Independence from King George of England and all of his madness. We wondered if “W” consciously intended to destroy today as President what he’d helped build centuries earlier as King.

It seems very few of us get a do-over of this magnitude. Is it possible “W” will get a third time in the Rulership ring, say around 2200?

For more on “W’s” Gift to Rule, see our ‘Dream Sequence’ October 16, 2008 posting "Who’s Burning Bush?"

Who Will Drive the Wild Car in Washington?

Much to the chagrin of the Big Three Auto-Titans, the music still hasn’t stopped and their bronze medal dancing has tangoed on for weeks around very wobbly court chairs. What had started out as a respectable pleading, now had them retching humble pie on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

And what had started out as $25 billion, had now been whittled down for the umteenth time to around $14 billion. It was an eye-opening sight to behold the new King’s court making its decisive motion to silence the music. Yet just as the new King's court moved in to halt the Auto-Titans' dance long enough for a sit-down, the old King’s court hotfooted in posthaste and ripped the chairs right out from under everyone just because they could.

We could see in our rear view mirror that the ancient rituals of old court vs. new court would certainly not be changing this time around. Out of all this posturing, however, did emerge what appeared to be an unusually constructive solution to the Big Three’s serious financial dilemma.

The Big Three Automakers would never see a dime … from TARP that is. Instead, Congress surprisingly agreed to take the Blago (see definition below) approach and simply sell the job posting of “Car Czar” to the highest bidder. The duties of the new Car Czar would not only be the review and approval of all Big Three workout plans, the Car Czar would be the one to lend them the money as well - on favorable terms and with a little governmental guarantee no doubt.

Rahmbo (see definition below) had already leaked the list of acceptable Car Czar candidates for Congressional interviewing and interrogation. The problem was that every prominent and potential auto industry savior on the list had placed its financial future in the hands of Bernie (see definition below) and it looked like Bernie was going to jail.

But all was not lost.

Racing straight from the Indy500 to D.C., came the shocking Car Czar wild card winner, Danica Patrick. Her well-oiled team swooped in like a pit crew wearing lip stick. She was a young, marketing machine who knew what made cars go. The time she spent under the sponsorship of subprime giant Argent/Ameriquest taught her a thing or two about loans, and her current GoDaddy sponsorship could equitably fund a portion of the Big Three bailout bridge loan in question. It was also believed that GoDaddy would give her the worldwide internet exposure she needed to raise plenty of additional capital in record time.

We overheard someone say that the new Car Czar tends to invest in what she loves, and we wondered if that, combined with a progressive, open-minded approach to doing 21st century business, would be enough to turn the Auto-Titanic around. But the real question is, who’s spinning the discs in the Court of Congress now?

For more Carmakers-The Musical, see our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ November 22, 2008 posting "Will They Get Dubai a Stairway to Heaven?"

Who’s Talking Like a Pirate Now? (DS)

We had a dream……and in that dream we heard the Pirates of Somalia crooning the Robber Baron song of old about how exploitation was justified under the guise of bringing order to the industrial chaos of the day.

It’s one thing to throw caution to the wind while plundering the Indian Ocean for ransom money when there’s nothing to lose and everything to gain. But 2008 had been an extremely profitable year. Undeniably it was time to legitimize their booty, and foster a long term economic enrichment plan which included putting solid growth strategies in to place. And like the historic Robber Barons of a century ago, this practical approach would ultimately obscure the source of their loot and afford them the opportunity to later gloss it over in some high profile form of philanthropy.

In our dream we watched the Somalian Pirates implement the first stage of their plan to go legit by orchestrating a sit down with Erik Prince of Blackwater Worldwide on friendly ground in Dubai - the Pirates planned to incorporate and take legal ownership of a sanctioned international port of their own. Everyone knew that Blackwater’s mercenaries were quickly running out of good paying work and Somalia’s Pirates desperately needed Blackwater’s help in navigating these new directional waters. It was clearly a win-win all the way around, and magic happened that day in Dubai.

Nothing can grease the wheels of speed like loads of cash. The Horn of Africa had its terrain forever altered when Blackwater rapidly established a new state-of-the-art training facility in Somalia’s lawless Puntland region, now re-named BLACKHORN. Blackhorn was located just east of the former pirate hideaway Port of Eyl, which had now been sanctioned as their internationally recognized shipping port officially re-named Port of Black Eye. No mercenary adventure of this magnitude could ever be complete without the perfect mission statement and Blackhorn’s call was now “Robbin’ the Hood”.

Our dream then turned toward the plan’s second stage: to form a pirate bank of their own. If the Red Shield could finance the exploitive goals of Carnegie and Rockefeller over a century ago, then the newly chartered SIMOLEON BANK could legitimately finance their enterprise and launder the shillings as well. After opening its flagship bank in Port of Black Eye, long term business plan projections provided for additional Simoleon Bank branch openings in strategic locations to include Mogadishu, Dubai, Liberia, and of course Tehran.

What we found ironic in all of this was that in their attempts to protect their own interests by going legit, the Pirates of Somalia unwittingly invigorated their country’s economy and created a stability in government, albeit Blackhorn militia, the likes of which had never been experienced by a majority of Somalia’s current population.

And then we woke up, and could see how the world yields a certain commiserative tolerance for those who act with moral compromise while on the quest for great wealth. Is it possible to walk the path of great riches and have room for genuine altruism to walk concurrently beside it, or must one path be pursued solely to the exclusion of the other?

For more Pirate gibber-jabber, see our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ October 8, 2008 posting “Will the Real Pirates Please Stand Up?”

World Forwards Final Bill to “W” in Crawford, TX (DS)

We had a dream……and in that dream we saw a panic that far surpassed the hysteria witnessed 8 years ago as 1999 was drawing to a close. The fear of ‘99 simmered and swelled on the certain knowledge that our world as we knew it would fatefully end when Y2K made its inevitable entree at midnight on December 31.

Y2K’s frightful millennium shift ultimately proved to be unfounded, or so it seemed on January 1, 2000 anyway. Nevertheless it didn't take us long to realize that we really did have every reason to be afraid, for later in the new millennium’s first year, George W. Bush was elected to his first 4-year term as President. From that moment on, we watched the world we'd once known begin to steadily deteriorate, until the fatal economic barrage hit mid-2008.

In our dream we could see that as the end of 2008 fast approached, a powerful fear gripped the world once again. But instead of hiding out in bomb shelters with stored food stuffs waiting for the end of time, the masses collectively responded in revolutionary anger as they joined forces and decided to finally take matters into their own hard working hands.

The internet spread word of the People’s revolt like wildfire: December 31, 2008 had been declared International BK Day - BK8 for short. It was predicted that every court in the world would be packed to overflowing as the unruly multitudes simultaneously filed their legal version of Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. The People were done carrying the financial burden of international hedge fund greed and corporate mismanagement on their backs.

And then we woke up, and realized that it was probably no coincidence the People's BK8 insurgency came at the disastrous conclusion of "W’s" second term as President. So if capitalism is bankrupt and the People are bankrupt, who will be expected to pick up the tab and fund the now bankrupt system?

For more Treasure Hunt Clues, see our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ October 1, 2008 posting "Who Took Off With The Bank?"