Monday, February 2, 2009

Camp Fed Takes the Triple (DS)

We had a dream……and in that dream we observed a small herd of wild deer grazing on the dewy morning grasses of Morgantown’s “Camp Fed” minimum security prison peacefully located amid West Virginia’s rolling Blue Ridge Mountains. The deer startled and quickly fled as a hotel-type shuttle van approached the compound with its latest inductees.

It was difficult to identify the three newbies as they emerged from the shuttle van looking like a fraternity trifecta in matching cardigan sweaters because the bright morning sun caused them to instinctively block their faces with arms and hands against the glare. When they turned to enter the facility, we could then see Camp Fed’s three new inmates were I-ROB, Bernie, and Blago (see definitions below).

Our dream flowed on as the threesome processed through formal registration, got secured with new electronic monitoring ankle bracelets, and exchanged their cardigans for the prison’s standard issue khaki uniforms. Their next stop was the media room for inmate orientation.

The privileged trio were shown a specially prepared 15-minute video starring Martha Stewart on how to make the most of their lives on the inside. She reminded them that while Camp Fed may be no Camp Cupcake, it was still a Camp No Dough. They would have to earn their 12 to 40 cents/hour working a full 7-1/2 hour day. Martha further encouraged them by quoting the famous words of Nelson Mandela that “many, many good people have gone to prison”. The video concluded with Martha’s dangled promise to personally host a catered “if you aren’t indicted, you aren’t invited” party at her Westchester County estate upon their release.

We were surprised by how well the trinity adjusted to their new lifestyles.

I-ROB found the Lord and was saved. He renounced his materialistic ways and took a solemn vow of poverty. His intensity was now focused toward brokering the best deal he could with the Almighty in his new position as prison savior of souls (SOS) liaison. Interesting though, even with all that, there was still no forthcoming mea culpa.

BERNIE was thrilled to see his dorm room required no redecorating. Things were in perfect balance with black drab, sterile white and shades of gray. He spent his 7-1/2 hour work days teaching the other inmates how they too could build a pyramid that would put Giza to shame. It's all about the “KISS”....

BLAGO spent his working days calling every publisher he could find with a toll free number looking to sell his story to the highest bidder. He just knew his biography, “One Day a Peacock, the Next Day a Feather Duster”, would reveal the true man behind the myth. When Blago wasn’t pimping his book, he was busy negotiating with the “Morgantown Madam” to get a covert call girl operation off the ground because, well, he knew people who'd pay and wasn’t about to let that go to waste. It's important to take full advantage of every opportunity while it's hot. Some would call that making lemonade out of lemons.

And then we woke up wondering if three really was a crowd. Or was it more of a triangular way to cover their backsides which we suspect came in handy when one of them had the misfortune of dropping his bar of soap in the showers?

For another way to say “Toro! Toro!”, see our ‘In The Rear View Mirror’ January 26, 2009 posting "Taking The Bull By The Horns".

1 comment:

  1. It certainly didn't take Blago long to find a taker for his tell-all tale about the dark side of politics. Guess it's all about the truth, his version. Or maybe he just needs the money since he's currently unemployed.


This is where our backseat drivers can give a shout out from the back of the bus.